Dereliction or Devotion?

It's strange what prompts you to think about things that are out of order, likely that these things are often overlooked and seemingly transitive in nature. From the reactions you get from people when using improper demeanor, to observing the processes of an egotist, contemplating the online intricacies of getting a ticket to a movie, to the untimely result of a common mistake uncommonly made then trivialized with a vagrants tongue. So, I pose this question, what is just? What manifests in peoples' minds to breach the etiquette of civilized society? Do you have a moral code? Let's sum it up, darkly, of course, because I can't seem to write anything that's remotely "not not happy"...

In my experience there are people that are going to antagonize, patronize, agonize, terrorize and victimize you... there are people that are going to inhibit, control, hinder, manipulate and forbid you from being yourself. And, those are just the proud ones! Where it goes from there, is only - Hell - for the ones that are directly affected. The course of the world has changed, it [insanity] used to be less scattered, qualified to smaller populations... but within the last 150-200 years, that quality in our 'Human agenda', has spurted in leaps and bounds to be a more social epidemic and coming in more forms. Within the last ten years, [Sadly, I can say this.] I've had the (dis)pleasure of meeting the ugly faces of a pathological liar, a virtually incognito "peach" with cognitive behavioral impairment, dementia (I should give this one a name) and, a neuroticism that once discovered is like a wart, unscrupulous & uncouth, that you just want to decline being entangled with. I ask myself, what was I thinking? Is this really what I wanted to do with my life? How tangible is it, to really understand this?

I've decided not to slander their good names with how they disinfected my life with love, honesty, integrity and happiness (please, for the love of all holy, know I'm being sarcastic)... so, I'll just write about how this person changed my life. Truly, meeting this person was a "blessing". Although, at first, meeting everyone is a stroke of luck, so it's not hard to imagine my sardonic references to how meeting this one of a kind ace, really was.

About nine years ago, I met this person playing at a local gym... I really wasn't that impressed by what they represented or how he carried himself, but the amount of self-inundation of cockiness and arrogance, was like an obscuring, murky mass of blight. Of course, running into him would be unavoidable for a time, as I would be in the area with some friends and we'd go there often to hang out. About a year or two later, fancy that, as fate would have it, the random hero of my story returns, popping up at a bowling alley somewhere around town, meandered over to my lane... he handed me his card and talked to me for a minute in-between frames. Little did I know, that I would be walking into "the lion's den" and wouldn't be allowed to leave until either the Lion were dead or I escaped without my dignity. And for the next eight years, as friendships go, or as "faux-friendships" go, we developed a bond that would appear unshakable. But, like the common cold, unsightly, unseemly and most definitely unjust, his character was coming more and more into focus - the travesty was unraveling and I was it's promoter... Uninformed.

I often spent time around, over, within, at his house, often while his roommate was away and generally before his roommate returned, to tidy up. It seemed as though, whenever something needed to be done, "ring... ring..." there I was to help; Mow the yard, clean up after him, clean the house, etc. I do confess, I was a weaker person than I am now and did things because I thought it was friendly and because I thought this is what friends do. But in my defense, I understand why I am the way I am (and that makes it okay, or not, whatever - at least I know). But, I never complained, just kept helping out, we were friends, right?

Years went by without remembering what you did between the New Year and the "New" year. The people I'd meet & the relationships that I'd make while having a loose agreement with this "friend". I dare say, that the friends I made were directly the result of how many gatherings we had. I've met some of the best friends a person could have at this person's house. Sadly, though, I couldn't keep this friend, as it wasn't to be. This individual was the talk of the town, or so he thought and said he was - always having someone New, Interesting, Provocative, Alluring - over. It was like he was an electromagnet for people that desired attention, to come commiserate at the house, however, the magnet was deadly - emotionally. I think the reason I hung around so much was to figure out who I really was, or if I was anything like him - eight long years of trials and tribulation, ever wondering whether I could fall so low, or if I had, wondering what I would think of myself after the ride was over. I moved in a couple of times, stayed for weeks/months at a time, only to leave in the middle of the night without him finding out until waking from the drunken stupor the night before. I kept denying that this is how it was supposed to be, so I'd continue with this blunder of a friendship, this courtship of my desperate soul, the reckoning of who I am and what I was to become. I'm sure deep down, he knew that I wanted a "REAL" friendship, so, he presented me with something like it, a titillated rendition, a surreal experience of what I thought I wanted - what every guy wants, lots of hot girls around, parties, hanging out with the guys, more girls, more parties... it was to me what Chris Farley was to SNL. And, honestly, I couldn't keep up. I couldn't keep up with the irresponsibility of it all; The late nights, the toll emotionally, the large bruises (you know where), etc. All the while, manipulating me into something or someone that was to be a figment of my imagination. Someone that was just like him, a compadre, a likeness to his scoured heart, someone that needed to appeal to the carnal side of man, the only unbreakable and defensible side - the rage, the hunger, the one that takes. But, after shoveling through all the B.S. and fun, I found out that it wasn't really what I wanted. The truth of the situation was coming out, oozing out, actually. Which was, that I wasn't going down on this sinking ship, not with this person. After so long, the friends we had started disappearing, and the complaints would come out of (what I thought) was nowhere. I was numb to it, how could I figure all this was going on when I'm hearing from my "friend" one story and the other side was mounting a full-scale offensive - and I was the buffer. It'd continue, I'd lose my cool a few times, but ever-patient to exact a tactful recourse to this coup. But, that never came - time had run out for this deal. The meanderings that he thought were so skillfully devised to influence the outcome of his game were falling in around him and I was a pawn - No longer.

Nevertheless, a caboodle of values were taught that I don't think I would have ever learned otherwise, i.e. Don't rely on someone else to make you happy, Don't lie to someone's face and expect them to be happy when they find out that you did that, Clean up after yourself, Roommates don't like it when you're loud and obnoxious, Speak softly, People will steal your "booty" when you're throwing a party at your house, Stand up for yourself, who else is going to?